The Unraveling

woman holding a cup of hot cocoa in clear mug

Do you wonder what I mean when I say “do the work”?  Right now, I am experiencing life as if someone took the tail end of a piece of yarn and pulled apart the fibers.  I am unraveling.  I know how this sounds…it sounds sad, depressed.  But it’s not, it’s truly the most beautiful experience of my life.  Are there sad moments?  Yes.  Healing wounds requires a level of mourning and an experience of deep grief.  I understand why people leave well enough alone or numb in a variety of ways.  It’s not easy.  For me, I don’t have a choice.  My life experience just won’t allow for me to rest easy in the discomfort of my wounds.  

I’ve been wound tight for so long because life wouldn’t allow for an unraveling.  I had a child to raise, bills to pay, a home to care for on my own.  I had no choice but to exhaust myself, keeping it all together.  But that all changed a year ago.

A year ago, I brought my child to college, packed up a home of 13 years and moved to a town where I knew 2 people.  Away from my dad, away from my dearest friends.  All to be closer to work.  A sacrifice in one hand and a new beginning in the other.  But, I was alone.  Really alone for the first time in my adult life.  And my work life changed the day after I moved.  It was SO MUCH transition all squished into 4 days time.  Empty nested, moved my entire life, and then a role and massive schedule change.  But I pressed forward.  I am NOTHING if I am not RESILIENT (thank you, ancestors).

2 months into this “new life”, I made the decision to change my relationship with alcohol.  Two weeks after that decision, I met and fell in love with a new partner.  It was also during this time that my mother and I would fall out and not speak for months.  Still not communicating.

Fast forward to the morning of August 19th.  I awoke in my partner’s home, where I had been living the last 3 months.  I looked out at the creek and heard that knowing voice, inside.  It said, “You have to go.  You can’t stay here anymore.  There’s work to do.”  It was the most certain thing I’d heard, in my life.  So I made the move to leave and find my own space.  Space that reflected me.  Space that I could unravel without criticism or judgement.  Space that allowed for privacy.  It was NEVER about leaving him so much as it was about returning to myself.  

Once settled in, the unraveling began.  For a bit, I resisted but once fully embraced, I am unleashed, untethered and allowing myself a full blown healing.  And it’s the most beautiful thing I’ve ever experienced.  Imagine reawakening your soul.  SO MANY TEARS SHED.  Hot tears.  The work began with Breathwork.  A powerful healing modality that shifts EVERYTHING. And once you begin, you can no longer go back.  You cannot unsee or un-feel.  You cannot put the toothpaste back in the tube.  Pressing forward is the only option.  I’m so grateful for this practice.

And then I introduced Yin Yoga, which allowed me to release that which no longer served me from my body.  Releasing the past, the trauma.  And then Reiki…my first Reiki session, last night….and I wept.  Healing touch.  My Reiki master said to me, “There is darkness through out you.  But it’s like a curtain that’s about to rise.  So don’t stop because you’re almost there.”  And at the end of the session, not knowing anything about my mother, the Reiki master said, “The guides and angels are asking me to give you this Sweet Rose tea and tell you that your mother loves you.”  She had no idea what was going on in the background.  Weeping turned to sobbing.

I do the work.  I do the work so I can show up in the world as my most true, divinely designed self.  Not filtered through old stories, stuck trauma, and defense mechanisms.  I do the work so I can show up with my whole heart.  And its mind GLOWINGLY beautiful.  Soon, the unraveled fibers of my being will get spun again and knit into something warm and cozy and comforting. 

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